This is a selection of IMs from my friend Kenny.
Enjoy at your own risk.
palehorse: http://www.engadget.com/2013/09/19/ios-7-bug/
Kenny: heard about that
Kenny:pretty stupid
Kenny:some bored construction worker can QA better than apple engys
Kenny:Rodriguez has a track record of finding lockscreen bypass bugs in iOS, many of which he says he dug up while killing time in his old job as a driver for government officials. “I had a lot of time to look at the scenery, break the phone or write poetry while waiting for my boss, and I don’t write poetry and already knew the landscape by heart,” he tells me via instant message and Google translate. So he spent hours “trying everything that goes through my head
Kenny:Jose Rodriguez, a 36-year-old soldier living in SpainÂ’s Canary Islands
Kenny:not even a hacker
Kenny: speaking of funding, i got the domain: jihad.org
Kenny: hopefully a rich terr0r1st buys it
Kenny: OR they will have me killed!
Jon: holy s**t you're gonna die
Jon: how did you get that?
Kenny: i bought "WHOIS privacy"!!
Kenny: dunno, it was up for auction on snapnames.com and i bid and somehow no one else bid
Jon: one of 2 things is going to happen: you're gonna get gang-raped by the US Gov't or terrorists will kill you
Kenny: yeah i have to stop chatting about it
WTF!
Kenny: artist: "did you have trapper keepers in school?"
Kenny: my boss: "what?"
Kenny: artist: "mechanical pencil?"
Kenny: my boss: "In bulgaria, we had nothing."
Kenny: now, mofo has a pearl condo, porsche, sauvie island boathouse, and 350hp speedboat
Kenny: suspicious
About time he caught on. We\'ve been telling him his boss is suspicious for a while now...
Kenny: k i might be sort of an asshole
Kenny: cuz as it turns out that chick's name was actually "Suzame"
Dvan: Did you not think it was "Suzame"?
Kenny: i thought it was Suzane
Dvan: lol
Kenny: and the guy was such an idiot he typo'd it twice
Kenny: <- judgy
Kenny: "Thanks, George! Suzame, Atticus, and I will be there. Suspect Suzame will want to make something. . . probably desert"
Kenny: wtf? Suzame? Atticus? desert??
Kenny: bunch of weirdos i work w/
Dvan: wut?
Kenny: boss invited us to his "boat house" tonight
Kenny: oh "summer house" he calls it
Dvan: wow
Dvan: ok...
Kenny: i don't wanna go tho
Kenny: cuz i had an interview this morning
Kenny: heh heh
Kenny: maybe I will go, and show my weenor
Kenny: y/n ?
Dvan: hehe
Dvan: wait
Dvan: wut?
Kenny: got fish and chips today, lots of azn tourists out... they love the carts
Kenny: they buy like 3 lunches to try them all
Kenny: anyway one of them ordered the "cod and chips"
Kenny: but he pronounced it with the long o, code
Kenny: CODE AND CHIPS
Kenny: then when asked his name he said "Jordan"
Kenny: the foodcart guy looked confused so the azn said "like Michael Jordan, Jordan"
Kenny: last night i was at the office @ 11pm and all the lights shut off
Kenny: i grabbed a screwdriver
Kenny: thought i was gonna get r8ped
Dvan: wtf
Kenny: that reminds me, some drunk guy tried invading my apt
Dvan: whoa really?!?
Kenny: ok check it, this is FREAKY
Dvan: Kenny get ur gun
Kenny: 1:30 am i'm in bed playing candy crush [bedtime ritual]
Kenny: window is open i hear a twig snap
Kenny: so i'm like well i'm not asleep yet, i get up and look out the window
Dvan: k
Kenny: all my lights are off
Dvan: yea
Kenny: i look down and see nothing, so i look up and across
Kenny: then i see the motion light turn on, and i look back down, and this dude is LOOKING RIGHT ATM E
Kenny: (i'm on the 2nd floor)
Kenny: not sure if he can see me cuz my lights are out
Dvan: hah
Dvan: yea
Kenny: although my blinds were shaking because i had to lift up a slat to look across
Dvan: shoulda get your gun and cocked it
Kenny: YEA
Kenny: anyway i freaked so i quickly moved away
Kenny: then i slowly moved back, and he was still there
Dvan: wtf
Kenny: then he walked away... and my doorbell goes DINGDONG DINGDONG
Kenny: !!! 1:30am
Dvan: uhhh
Kenny: i wanted to open up my security cams but if i turned the PC monitor on, it would flood the room w/ light
Kenny: so i didn't
Dvan: k
Kenny: so i hear the exterior DOOR open at the base of the stairs
Dvan: it's not locked?
Kenny: my apt door is at the top, i can see straight down out of the peephole
Kenny: nope haha
Kenny: cuz i'm lazy
Dvan: hah
Kenny: anyway i tiptoe to the door and look down and he like, starts to come in, but once he looks inside, thinks better of it
Kenny: turns around shuts door walks away
Kenny: F MAN
Kenny: that was so weird
Dvan: dude
Dvan: where was your gun?
Kenny: i wish he would have come all the way up
Kenny: in the drawer
Dvan: lol
Kenny: should have brought it w/ me when i tiptoed to the door
Dvan: yeah
Kenny: here's the way it should have gone down
Dvan: usually they don't like the sound of them. :)
Kenny: he comes up to the door, bangs on it
Kenny: i go WHAT DO YOU WANT
Kenny: (who knows what he says)
Kenny: i go YOU WANNA GET SHOT?
Kenny: he says, "u don't have a gun"
Kenny: then, I pause to make sure it's quiet, then rack the slide
Kenny: CHA-CHUNK
Dvan: yup
Kenny: then he turns and runs
Kenny: that would be schweeeeet
Dvan: hehe
Kenny: i am quite curious if my gun could shoot through the door
Dvan: yeah but instead you froze up and freaked out like a little bitch.
Kenny: hmm yea :|
Kenny: i ran out of beer money because my company pays me once a month
Kenny: and it F'd me over
Jon: what
Kenny: i went 33 days between paychex
Jon: it's called a "budget"
Kenny: hmm dunno that
Kenny: found a nice pinot noir in the closet tho
Jon: so you came out of the closet with a bottle of wine?
Kenny: LOL
Kenny: damnit
Kenny: 55 min until the IT technician who sits behind me gets s**tcand
Kenny: can't wait to take his shiny sony vaio
Dvan: oh wow really?
Kenny: yeah heh he's part time and probably like 23
Kenny: but wears headphones all day / not a team player
Dvan: is he the nail clippy dude?
Kenny: YES OMG
Kenny: YAY
Kenny: i forgot about that, that will be nice
Kenny: it was kind of nice having a lackey for a while, i had him call UPS and deal with their datacenter not having authorization to use our account number crap
Dvan: heh
Kenny: he had to repeat the account number probably 10 times on that call
Kenny: owned
Kenny: lolo he's clipping right now, i heard his keys jingle so he must keap his clipper on them
Kenny: that explains y i could not find it the other day
Kenny: after he left i was searchin so i could disappear the tool
Kenny: now he will b the one disappearin
Kenny: I'm tired of hearing all this analysis over the Asiana plane crash. Everyone already knows Asians are terrible drivers.
Dvan: *facepalm*
Kenny: people upstairs in the nice office play corn hole on and off during the day
Kenny: annoying as hell :|
Dvan: wait... what?????
Kenny: https://www.facebook.com/cornholecooperative
Dvan: ok I was wondering...
Kenny: heh "regulation size"
Kenny: who is regulating cornhole!
Dvan: lol
Kenny: i should have said it this way: "so tired of all the banging from the constant corn hole action upstairs"
Dvan: that doesn't help.
Dvan: that makes it worse!
Kenny: why do ppl think it's ok to clip their fingernails @ their desk?
Kenny: it's not like they're just making a little touch up. this guy has done like 20 clicks, that's 2 per finger
Kenny: i have seen this a lot actually, somehow our society thinks fingernail clipping is not a personal grooming bathroom activity?
Kenny: if he takes off his shoe im gonna be pissed
Kenny: look, if it was a mouse clicking, or if i sat next to a water heater with a faulty pilot light, that would be fine
Kenny: and even though this fool is behind me, i KNOW there is PERSONAL GROOMING going on back there and that is not acceptable
Dvan: lol
Dvan: Wishing you stayed at (previous company) yet?
Kenny: no cuz then nuts guy would still be behind me
Kenny: now it's fingernails guy
Kenny: argh!#$*!@#%*
Kenny: so ur wife is GF?
Kenny: cuz my gf is GF which is a PITA, for example, she can't eat pita
Dvan: no, I´m GF, but we really like the sauce anyway.
Dvan: heh
Kenny: yesterday... there is this acronym ADFS active directory federation services
Kenny: he kept calling it ASDF
Kenny: sys admin is like "what does that mean" and my boss correctly said "active directory federation services"
Kenny: which didn't even match the acronym he was saying!
Kenny: he is thinking of the stupid letters on the keyboard
Kenny: oh also , i been dumping out the last half inch or so of beer in my bottles
Kenny: just cuz it tastes nasty
Kenny: cuz it's always warm
Kenny: when you've got a CASE of inversion in the fridge, why drink the last warm oz?
Kenny: that's a true beer snob
Jon: No, that's a beertard
Kenny: wat
Jon: that bottom of the bottle is the yeasty nutrient portion
Kenny: hah
Jon: helps prevent hangovers
Jon: true beer snobs would swirl the bottles to get it and pour that into their glass
Jon: and wait, are you DRINKING FROM THE BOTTLE????
Kenny: s**t
Kenny: i don't want to dirty a glass
Jon: Beer snob fail
Kenny: damn
Kenny: our client sent a singing telegram and huge box of gourmet cupkakes today, for launching their new website. so when everyone gathered in the commons I headed for the bathroom cuz I knew I could store the handicap stall
Kenny: I could hear the singing from in there anyway
Kenny: could have grabd a cupkake too i suppose, but eating on the s**tter is just counter productive
Kenny: the coffee rule is "you kill it you refill it" so i'm really good at getting a feel for the carafe pump and knowing when it's aobut to start sputtering
Kenny: then i STOP even if i have half a cup
Kenny: knowing the next person will get like 2oz and officially kill it
Kenny: pwned
Kenny: almost got t-boned by a suburban.. what an adrenaline rush
palehorse: that'll get the bowels moving...
palehorse: heh
Kenny: fortunately i crapped before my commute
Kenny: road rage = adrenaline
palehorse: lol
Kenny: maybe. i guess when someone cuts you off that shouldn't be life threatening
Kenny: its going to take a lot more generations of humans driving cars before the body evolves appropriately
Kenny: before the industrial revolution, to have a huge object swoop in front of you at high speed was NOT normal i.e. adrenaline rush
Kenny: i got my feet up in the corner of the desk in such a way that i can fart massively without making any sound
Kenny: this is gr8
Kenny: at lunch i saw a guy w/ the shirt HTTPSTER
Kenny: good thing i don't walk around w/ my gun
Dvan: wat? that's awesome!
Dvan: I'd wear that
Dvan: In fact, I just made my IM tagline that.
Kenny: u fool
Kenny: im spending the next hour going around flagging all CL posts about pressure cookers for sale or wanted, as a public duty that I feel
Dvan: uhhhhhhhhh
Dvan: wow
Dvan: you know, people could just go, oh I don't know, buy it in a STORE?
Kenny: not if they have brown skin
Dvan: racist
Kenny: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BIkmhWBCIAA3isC.jpg:large wtf nasa
Dvan: hey don't change the subject
Kenny: ok
Kenny: FREE JAKAR READ HIM HIS RIGHTS
Dvan: wtf?
Kenny: FBI planted the bomb
Kenny: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BIeENbUCcAAsLwG.jpg:large numbers on the hat were changed by FBI
Dvan: I want to send an ascii art facepalm, but pidgin borks it up...
Dvan: so...
Dvan: *facepalm*
Kenny: hah
Kenny: dba has report server running under his user account. his password expires and users complain their reports are broke
@nrstexit plays circus music
Kenny: he sends an all-staff saying
Kenny: "SSRS Reporting Services reports have been failing"
Kenny: that is very redundant. SQL Server Reporting Services Reporting Services Reports
Kenny: also i drank the north coast class of 88, which was good, but my idiot friend made SOUP for dinner so i vommed
Kenny: what the f**k pussy drinking food SOUP
Kenny: but not wanting to insult the host i accepted
Kenny: then ruined his garden so i guess i should have pushed back on the SOUP idea
Kenny: well i don't really know what it ended up looking like in the daylight
Jon: um
Jon: why would soup make you vomit?
Kenny: nothing to soak up the alc
Jon: you sure that's a flaw in the soup?
Kenny: what am i going to do, not drink?
Jon: so wait... you had 1 bottle of barleywine and got so hammered you destroyed his garden?
Kenny: quote from my boss 30 sec ago: "UNC Path is the opposite of a URL"
Kenny: this is what its like every day!
palehorse: It's like you live in a dilbert strip
Kenny: im so buying a gun and making a disaster kit
Dvan: nice good idea.
Kenny: w/ enough supplies and porn i can hold out for days if they lock down pdx
Dvan: wow
Kenny: yeah sounds kinda fun actually
Dvan: freakin kenny
