This is a selection of IMs from my friend Kenny.

Posted: October 23, 2013 2:27 PM by Jon

Kenny: now that i have a girlfriend i can just bring her & keep her on a tight leash!
Jon: lol sure, sure, that's how it works
Jon: more like she's keeping YOU on the tight leash
Jon: but you may not even know it
Kenny: she won meet & greet with macklemore, said i could come if i was interested (!!)
Kenny: got my pic taken but i was really nervous so my smile was forced
Kenny: name dropped a mutual friend but then by their reaction i don't think they really like this friend
Kenny: said he was my "homey" because i heard the black guy in their band say that a few minutes earlier and i liked how it sounded
Kenny: also stole a bottled water from the green room, im going to try and sell it on eBay as memorabilia
Jon: oh jeez. So let's see, you faked a smile while meeting Macklemore, referenced a friend he doesn't like using black slang that you've never used before.
Jon: winning!
Jon: lol
Kenny: yea
Jon: and stole from the green room.
Jon: and by "winning!" I'm being ironic
Kenny: :|

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Posted: October 22, 2013 3:15 PM by Dvan

Kenny: i took a pic of bonnie raitt in the front row w/ flash on like a douchebag, ever since then my camera is completely broken
Kenny: what is this karma or ???
Kenny: security had to tap me on the shoulder and do the throat cutting gesture
Kenny: is that a threat!
Kenny: tonight i am going to meat macklemore backstage though
Dvan: Serves you right for having an iPhone, hipster!
Kenny: :|
Kenny: i going to have to factory restoer it :|
Dvan: aww
Kenny: i'll be sure to save off my blurry bonnie raitt pic first tho !

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Posted: September 19, 2013 1:53 PM by Palehorse

palehorse: http://www.engadget.com/2013/09/19/ios-7-bug/
Kenny: heard about that
Kenny:pretty stupid
Kenny:some bored construction worker can QA better than apple engys
Kenny:Rodriguez has a track record of finding lockscreen bypass bugs in iOS, many of which he says he dug up while killing time in his old job as a driver for government officials. “I had a lot of time to look at the scenery, break the phone or write poetry while waiting for my boss, and I don’t write poetry and already knew the landscape by heart,” he tells me via instant message and Google translate. So he spent hours “trying everything that goes through my head
Kenny:Jose Rodriguez, a 36-year-old soldier living in SpainÂ’s Canary Islands
Kenny:not even a hacker

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Posted: September 17, 2013 11:33 AM by Jon

Kenny: speaking of funding, i got the domain: jihad.org
Kenny: hopefully a rich terr0r1st buys it
Kenny: OR they will have me killed!
Jon: holy s**t you're gonna die
Jon: how did you get that?
Kenny: i bought "WHOIS privacy"!!
Kenny: dunno, it was up for auction on snapnames.com and i bid and somehow no one else bid
Jon: one of 2 things is going to happen: you're gonna get gang-raped by the US Gov't or terrorists will kill you
Kenny: yeah i have to stop chatting about it

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WTF!

Posted: August 29, 2013 10:47 AM by Dvan

Kenny: artist: "did you have trapper keepers in school?"
Kenny: my boss: "what?"
Kenny: artist: "mechanical pencil?"
Kenny: my boss: "In bulgaria, we had nothing."
Kenny: now, mofo has a pearl condo, porsche, sauvie island boathouse, and 350hp speedboat
Kenny: suspicious

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About time he caught on. We've been telling him his boss is suspicious for a while now...

Posted: August 28, 2013 10:10 AM by Dvan

Kenny: k i might be sort of an asshole
Kenny: cuz as it turns out that chick's name was actually "Suzame"
Dvan: Did you not think it was "Suzame"?
Kenny: i thought it was Suzane
Dvan: lol
Kenny: and the guy was such an idiot he typo'd it twice
Kenny: <- judgy

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Posted: August 27, 2013 11:45 AM by Dvan

Kenny: "Thanks, George! Suzame, Atticus, and I will be there. Suspect Suzame will want to make something. . . probably desert"
Kenny: wtf? Suzame? Atticus? desert??
Kenny: bunch of weirdos i work w/
Dvan: wut?
Kenny: boss invited us to his "boat house" tonight
Kenny: oh "summer house" he calls it
Dvan: wow
Dvan: ok...
Kenny: i don't wanna go tho
Kenny: cuz i had an interview this morning
Kenny: heh heh
Kenny: maybe I will go, and show my weenor
Kenny: y/n ?
Dvan: hehe
Dvan: wait
Dvan: wut?

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Posted: August 13, 2013 5:03 PM by Dvan

Kenny: got fish and chips today, lots of azn tourists out... they love the carts
Kenny: they buy like 3 lunches to try them all
Kenny: anyway one of them ordered the "cod and chips"
Kenny: but he pronounced it with the long o, code
Kenny: CODE AND CHIPS
Kenny: then when asked his name he said "Jordan"
Kenny: the foodcart guy looked confused so the azn said "like Michael Jordan, Jordan"

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Posted: August 06, 2013 1:16 PM by Dvan

Kenny: last night i was at the office @ 11pm and all the lights shut off
Kenny: i grabbed a screwdriver
Kenny: thought i was gonna get r8ped
Dvan: wtf
Kenny: that reminds me, some drunk guy tried invading my apt
Dvan: whoa really?!?
Kenny: ok check it, this is FREAKY
Dvan: Kenny get ur gun
Kenny: 1:30 am i'm in bed playing candy crush [bedtime ritual]
Kenny: window is open i hear a twig snap
Kenny: so i'm like well i'm not asleep yet, i get up and look out the window
Dvan: k
Kenny: all my lights are off
Dvan: yea
Kenny: i look down and see nothing, so i look up and across
Kenny: then i see the motion light turn on, and i look back down, and this dude is LOOKING RIGHT ATM E
Kenny: (i'm on the 2nd floor)
Kenny: not sure if he can see me cuz my lights are out
Dvan: hah
Dvan: yea
Kenny: although my blinds were shaking because i had to lift up a slat to look across
Dvan: shoulda get your gun and cocked it
Kenny: YEA
Kenny: anyway i freaked so i quickly moved away
Kenny: then i slowly moved back, and he was still there
Dvan: wtf
Kenny: then he walked away... and my doorbell goes DINGDONG DINGDONG
Kenny: !!! 1:30am
Dvan: uhhh
Kenny: i wanted to open up my security cams but if i turned the PC monitor on, it would flood the room w/ light
Kenny: so i didn't
Dvan: k
Kenny: so i hear the exterior DOOR open at the base of the stairs
Dvan: it's not locked?
Kenny: my apt door is at the top, i can see straight down out of the peephole
Kenny: nope haha
Kenny: cuz i'm lazy
Dvan: hah
Kenny: anyway i tiptoe to the door and look down and he like, starts to come in, but once he looks inside, thinks better of it
Kenny: turns around shuts door walks away
Kenny: F MAN
Kenny: that was so weird
Dvan: dude
Dvan: where was your gun?
Kenny: i wish he would have come all the way up
Kenny: in the drawer
Dvan: lol
Kenny: should have brought it w/ me when i tiptoed to the door
Dvan: yeah
Kenny: here's the way it should have gone down
Dvan: usually they don't like the sound of them. :)
Kenny: he comes up to the door, bangs on it
Kenny: i go WHAT DO YOU WANT
Kenny: (who knows what he says)
Kenny: i go YOU WANNA GET SHOT?
Kenny: he says, "u don't have a gun"
Kenny: then, I pause to make sure it's quiet, then rack the slide
Kenny: CHA-CHUNK
Dvan: yup
Kenny: then he turns and runs
Kenny: that would be schweeeeet
Dvan: hehe
Kenny: i am quite curious if my gun could shoot through the door
Dvan: yeah but instead you froze up and freaked out like a little bitch.
Kenny: hmm yea :|

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Posted: August 01, 2013 2:28 PM by Jon

Kenny: i ran out of beer money because my company pays me once a month
Kenny: and it F'd me over
Jon: what
Kenny: i went 33 days between paychex
Jon: it's called a "budget"
Kenny: hmm dunno that
Kenny: found a nice pinot noir in the closet tho
Jon: so you came out of the closet with a bottle of wine?
Kenny: LOL
Kenny: damnit

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