This is a selection of IMs from my friend Kenny.

Enjoy at your own risk.

Terrible Gift Giver

Posted: December 05, 2016 10:52 AM by Dvan

Kenny: gonna give my sister a spotify gift card for christmas, then say hey, let's sign up for the family plan, now give me that back
Dvan: lol
Dvan: dude
Dvan: you're a dick4
Kenny: no it's win win
Dvan: no, you're a dick4
Kenny: what's a dick4 ?
Dvan: yaaasssss you said it
Kenny: S#IT
Kenny: u ARE 4
Dvan: LOL
0 2

Does Alexa like it too?

Posted: November 08, 2016 8:21 AM by Dvan

Kenny: so my parents came over so there has been a lot of chatter in my house more than usual
Dvan: huh
Dvan: "chatter"
Kenny: the freaking Amazon Dot, alexa has been poking her head in conversations she doens't belong
Kenny: i.e. false positives
Kenny: too bad
Dvan: LOLOL
Dvan: It would be confusing if you had a relative named Alexa
Kenny: mostly the phrase "likes it"
Kenny: triggers Alexa
Dvan: oh wow
Kenny: and since I beat the s**t out of my cat and my parents watch in horror
Kenny: I have to remind them He Likes It
Dvan: wat
Dvan: are you a catbuser?
Kenny: my cat likes 2 be spanked
Kenny: he's into that
Dvan: uhhhhhhhh
Kenny: he likes it rough
Dvan: does he meow really sensually when you do that?
Kenny: yes
Dvan: .......................
Kenny: he cries for more
Dvan: <.<
Kenny: bro is this convo making u UnCoMfOrTaBlE?
Dvan: Actually, I'm not surprised at all.
0 2

Well That took a wrong turn deep into the recesses of I don't wanna go there...

Uber careful

Posted: October 17, 2016 10:27 AM by Dvan

Kenny: my uber driver this morning "LADY TODAY, SHE LOOK AT CAR, LOOK AT FACE, MATCH IT TO PICTURE, SHE WAS SO CAREFUL"
Kenny: I said "yeah, I don't blame her for being careful. I don't need to be that careful though, no one would want me in their car unless I was paying them"
Kenny: driver, "HEY, COME ON, YOU A HANDSOME MAN"
Kenny: ...
Kenny: silence after that
0 1

Kenny doesn't know how to take a complement sometimes...

Reefer or Rose?

Posted: October 12, 2016 12:22 PM by Dvan

Kenny: went to a Shrubs and Roses class at PCC last night, he was reading popular Rose variety names
Kenny: couldn't help but think they all sounded like w33d strains
Kenny: Reefer or Rose? Julia Child
Kenny: Reefer or Rose? Betty Boop
Kenny: Reefer or Rose? Sexy Rexy
Dvan: LOL
Dvan: all reefer
Dvan: all
Kenny: lol
0 2

This conversation is ongoing, so this IM might be updated later. Stay tuned!

Jerk(y) store

Posted: October 11, 2016 2:07 PM by Dvan

Kenny: in the jerky store some guy was a dick to me
Kenny: afterwards I asked her (GF) if she heard that
Kenny: she said "yeah, because u were a dick to him"
Kenny: WHAT
Dvan: lol
Dvan: sounds about right
0 3

GFGF needs moar oxygen

Posted: October 10, 2016 3:12 PM by Dvan

Kenny: heh GFGF wants a new car, at dinner with her parents, I said, "el camino"
Kenny: she's like "OH" and googles el camino
Kenny: I guess she has never heard of them
Kenny: so she finds a pic and is like EWW NO and shows it to her parents
Kenny: they're like WE KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dvan: OMG hahahahaaha
Dvan: Dude at least her parents knew hehe
Kenny: also in the same conversation
Kenny: we were reading reviews and it said such and such car has problems with oxygen sensor
Kenny: so she says what's an oxygen sensor
Kenny: her dad goes WELL IT'S A DEVICE THAT MAKES SURE THE CABIN OF THE CAR HAS ENOUGH O2, TO KEEP PASSENGERS HEALTHY AND COMFORTABLE
Dvan: uhhhhhh
Kenny: obviously he is joking so I look at her and smile
Dvan: oh I see where this is going
Kenny: and she has a straight face like "oh ok"
Dvan: lol
Kenny: :|
0 2

FYI: GFGF means "gluten free girlfriend" in case you didn't know. That's a whole 'nother topic...

THE NACHOS WILL BE PERFECT. HA.

Posted: October 03, 2016 4:05 PM by Dvan

Kenny: zappos customer service of course is good, but when you get their Filipino call center, things are a little ... off
Kenny: "MAY I ASK SIR WHAT IS THE TIME IN YOUR LOCATION?"
Kenny: "umm, 6:36pm"
Kenny: "OH I SEE YOU ARE GETTING READY TO TAKE YOUR DINNER THEN?"
Kenny: "hmm, yeah"
Kenny: "WHAT MAY I ASK, ARE YOU PLANNING FOR THE DINNER?"
Kenny: "we are going to make nachos..."
Kenny: "AH YES, THAT WILL BE PERFECT, THE NACHOS, I WISH YOU COULD PROVIDE ME SOME, HA HA"
Dvan: LOL
Dvan: HA. HA. HA.
Kenny: it was so scripted and cheesy
Dvan: I LIKE THE NACHOS TOO.
Dvan: Yeah, no doubt.
Kenny: when they do it in the US it's fun
Kenny: much more natural
Dvan: hehehe
Kenny: but I find this interesting. when you call, the IVR says "Did you know we provide free tours of our headquarters? The agent you speak to may have a tour group right next to them. If you would prefer to speak to an agent away from a tour group, press 1 now"
Kenny: not sure why
Dvan: hahaahh
Dvan: interesting.
Dvan: I'm still chuckling about "THE NACHOS"
Kenny: I liked "That will be perfect"
Kenny: WTF how does she know what foods will be perfect for me
Kenny: what if I hate natchos
Dvan: lol yup
Kenny: I think she thinks "perfect" means "good" or "great"
Dvan: Well, you wouldn't have said, "Nachos" if you didn't like them, right?
Dvan: Yeah, probably does.
Kenny: also, the shoes I ordered were $36, the ones I was exchanging, were $32... so she says, "THE NEW ITEM YOU WANT, COSTS MUCH ADDITIONAL OF THE ORIGINAL ITEM"
Kenny: she must think "much" just means "more"
Dvan: lol
Dvan: $4 MUCH MORE
Dvan: heh
Kenny: I was scared when she said "much"
0 2

Wrong Mailbox

Posted: April 11, 2016 12:17 PM by Dvan

Kenny: hmm, I accidentally opened up a web browser, bc I wanted to check my mail
Kenny: Literally. My mail that comes to my house
Dvan: LOL
0 2

Playing at the urinal??

Posted: February 02, 2016 3:43 PM by Dvan

Kenny: can someone please explain to me, how TP gets in the urinal
Dvan: uhh been wondering the same thing
Kenny: when I see it at Fred Meyer, etc, I just assume some psycho bum was in there messing around
Dvan: Oh yeah, prolly
Kenny: but since it apparently happens at work...
Dvan: heh
Kenny: there isn't even TP in arm's length
Kenny: I do play this game though, there is the usual exposed valve pipe part of the urinal...
Kenny: there is a really nice, heavy, shiny, chrome valve cover
Kenny: I always unscrew it a lot, not so it falls off
Dvan: LOL
Dvan: troll
Kenny: you can't tell by looking at it.... yet somehow, it's always tight again within a day or so
Dvan: haha
Dvan: someone is OCD and tightens it up?
Kenny: yeah there is really not much else to "play" with while standing there, so I assume someone else has found it a toy too
Dvan: Uhh yeah you better not be playing with anything else standing there. :/
0 2

Aannnd we're back finally with another IM from Kenny. WTF Kenny??